“Harsh nav, varsh nav, jeevan utkarsh nav”.

With my Birthday approaching, I have mixed emotions.Ideally I should have been happy, logic says birthdays is the time to be happy but am not sure about my feelings. I am trying to give a face & name to my my feelings happy or sad but till now I have been unable to.....

I remember my earlier birthdays very clearly, used to wait for them long in advance. One day when you are treated almost like a king, you feel important . The planning used to start at least a week before, How to celebrate, whom to call, whom not to call, gifts, menu, decoration- every detailing done . I used to drop hints to my parents and my siblings about the gift I expected. I still remember the Kapil dev autographed bat my dad gifted when I was in class 3rd (its another matter that before this I have bugged him for the gift).

So birthday morning were great , mom used to come and wake me up with the sweetest birthday wishes followed by ghar ki junta, then came the pooja path and naye kapde. One day when I didn't hated bathing in the morning , so I generally used to get two sets one for the morning and other for the evening gala. Evening party also was great fun, some games , music and lot of gifts and great food. So overall the experience was good.

Now for the last few birthdays i.e. post my formative years have never been able to understand though with mobiles; calls and sms start to trickle from 12 in the night , then there are a good no of calls , scraps, office me cake phir doston ke saath party. All the ingredients which should idely make one very happy (other than footing the bill) but...


As some of my colleagues pointed out that now I have become old so its the fear of aging which has gripped me which is not allowing me loosen up, a very valid point but I am again not sure. Then with your birthdays one gets contemplative and evaluative about the year gone by . so I do the same and find that its been not a good year professionally and personally, some setbacks , unfinished business and empty bank accounts and with my new friend Lumbar Lordosis its been a low year. What I fear most is slowly I am loosing my Individuality, me as a person five years back and me as a person now are not the same, I have changed , what I feel is I have become comfortably Numb. Is this change normal or not again am not sure..

Again as Dinkar jee says we humans create our own problems ..
रात यों कहने लगा मुझसे गगन का चाँद,
आदमी भी क्या अनोखा जीव होता है!
उलझनें अपनी बनाकर आप ही फँसता,
और फिर बेचैन हो जगता, न सोता है।

So in some days I will be a year older and a degree higher in My numbness..................................